Oh boy. It is that time of year when tensions can increase in families due to upcoming elections. I grew up hearing my grandparents tell tales of their own grandparents’ family reunions after the Civil War. Tall tales of brawls and strife between cousins who fought on the North and South abound and sounded so silly to my young ears. How could political beliefs break up a family? Well, now it doesn’t sound so far removed. I am fortunate in my own family that most of us are on the same page about most issues, with a few general divergences on some of the finer points. However, my family is unusual (in many ways, but I digress) and many families have varying political views. It's not news to anyone who has been alive and paying attention that political divides have increased dramatically in the past 12 years. Political anxiety has increased exponentially as divisiveness has set in. This election is likely to see the most voter engagement from energized young adults in years.
So, the question is: Now What? The gulf between the people who align right and those who lean left is expanding and bridging that vacuum seems daunting and fraught with risk. We can manage some of that challenge with friends, co-workers, community members, and the like but what about our own families? There is a lot to unpack in these situations including any family baggage, power differentials, history of silencing or shaming, family roles, etc.
Parents often expect that their children will carry on their family faith and belief systems. When children push back or reject those beliefs, parents can become defensive or feel betrayed. In adolescence, it is our main developmental goal to separate from our parents and become who we are autonomously. Adult children can have different political views and raise their own children with their same values, which may or may not hold. It can end up being three generations of political values that are diametrically opposed! If the question truly is “Now What?” the answer is “well, it depends on how much of a big deal do you want to make of it?”
Do different political beliefs always mean distance or cutoffs? Nope. Look at some famous families and couples on the opposite end of the spectrum. There are James Carville and Mary Matalin, and Kellyanne and George Conway and their daughter Claudia, The Baldwin brothers and their niece Hailey (AKA: Mrs. Justin Bieber,) Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez. Keeping family ties despite political beliefs can and does happen. ; you can look past her current panache for espousing the evils of capitalism and calls to take down the patriarchy.
You have to remember; this is likely not the first disagreement you have had with your family members. You’ve had disagreements on other issues before. You know how to disagree. You likely know what sets you off and what doesn’t. Look to your past to see what has worked before and what has not. Dan Wile, a marriage and family therapist at the University of California, Berkeley, writes in After the Honeymoon, “…there is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20, or 50 years.” No matter who you choose, you will be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems. Similarly, Therapist John Gottman wrote, “Relationships will work to the extent that you have wound up having a set of perpetual problems you can live with.” All that is to say, we always have to navigate differences of opinion. Politics is really no different. If you survived listening to your brother slurp soup and wax on about the amazing talent of Nickelback, you know you already have the power to sit in quiet wonder that he also believes that trickle-down economics works. If you were able to tolerate your sister’s firmly held value that Rave hairspray and mall bangs were essential to beauty while she dissed your affinity of Party of Five; you can look past her current panache for espousing the evils of capitalism and calls to take down the partriarchy.
So, for the next few weeks, think twice before engaging in a political argument with folks you love because it rarely yields resolution as each party becomes more invested in their beliefs by defending and criticizing back, often intensifying the division between them. Acknowledge the differences upfront (i.e: Hey mom, I know we don’t see eye to eye on the elections so just for now while things are heated, lets both try to focus on shared values). If you cannot avoid and need to mentally prepare yourself for courageous conversations, visit some tips for calming anxiety here:https://www.alexagtherapy.com/post/when-you-re-stuck-in-a-worry-tapping-can-help, here https://www.alexagtherapy.com/post/tipp-to-quiet-the-alarm or here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGGJrqscvtU)
Avoid belittling and dismissive terms like: “you’ll feel different when you’re older” or “your generation just doesn’t understand reality” or “you’re only voting that way because (insert friend, boyfriend, rockstar, movie star, favorite Tik Tok influencer) told you to.
If avoidance isn’t your thing, and you just have to talk about it or you’ll explode, don't treat a political difference as a barrier to getting along and not listening to your loved one. Treat the conversation as a bridge or as an opportunity to better understand each other. That means you have to be open. Have the discussions in person, not online or in group chats.
If you are the parent of a child with opposing views, rather than take personal offense, respect the individuality and independence of your grown child’s political convictions and the bravery to assert themselves in this displeasing way.
Rather than treat political differences as a primary feature of your loved one’s personality, keep in perspective that political beliefs are only a small part of a person, and appreciate the abiding commonalities you still share.
There will be some values that tie to politics on which you may not be willing to budge or listen due to the opposition’s oppressive nature. In the same vein, you do not have to sit and listen to folks berate, belittle, or shame you for your core beliefs on humanity. In situations where you feel abused or oppressed or cannot participate in the abuse or oppression of others, you have the right to protect yourself by excusing yourself and creating space.
Back to the earlier question: How much difference do you want a political difference to make? Do you want to give it the power to divide or disown? Is your relationship the kind you’re willing to sacrifice on the altar of partisan disagreement? By doing so, not only do families sustain a grievous loss, but they inflict a grievous injury to their rejected family members.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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