When it comes to sharing the news of a separation or divorce with children, the way parents handle the conversation can shape how kids cope with the changes ahead. M. Gary Neuman, author of "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way", offers compassionate, clear guidance for having this difficult talk. His advice centers on fostering emotional safety and providing a foundation for children to express their feelings openly. I have used Neuman’s approach with my clients with great success, so I will walk you through how to approach this conversation with your children in a trauma-sensitive, developmentally appropriate way.
1. Prepare and Present as a United Front
Before sitting down with your children, it’s essential to collaborate with your co-parent on the core messages you want to convey. Neuman emphasizes clarity and unity—even if you aren’t feeling amicable. Agree on:
The basic reasons you’ll share for the separation (simple, age-appropriate language)
The reassurance that both parents love the children and will continue to be there for them
The logistics that will stay the same and the changes that will come
Avoid blame or negative comments about the other parent during this conversation. Instead, keep the focus on what the children need to know.
2. Choose the Right Timing and Environment
Timing matters. Choose a moment when you have enough time for a calm, unrushed discussion. Avoid having this conversation right before bed or when your child is headed to an important event. A quiet, comfortable setting—preferably at home—helps create a sense of safety. Turn off phones and minimize distractions.
3. Speak to Your Child’s Developmental Level
Children of different ages will process the news differently. Neuman’s approach highlights that:
Young children (ages 3-6) need very simple explanations and lots of reassurance about what will stay the same ("Mommy and Daddy won’t live together anymore, but we both love you very much, and we will always take care of you.").
School-aged children (ages 7-12) are likely to have more questions about the reasons for the separation and how it will affect their daily lives. Be honest but brief, and validate their feelings ("I know this is confusing and upsetting. It’s okay to feel sad or mad.").
Teenagers may need more space to process their emotions but still benefit from clear communication and reassurance. Check in regularly ("We’re here to talk whenever you’re ready or have questions.").
4. Encourage Questions and Validate Emotions
After delivering the core message, pause and allow your children to ask questions. Kids might worry about practical concerns ("Will I still go to my same school?") or express deep emotions ("Is this my fault?").
Gary Neuman’s guidance includes listening deeply and responding to feelings rather than rushing to fix them. Say things like:
"It sounds like you’re feeling scared. That’s okay. We’re going to figure this out together."
"No, this is not your fault. This is a decision we made as adults, and it’s not because of anything you did."
5. Provide Consistency and Predictability
One of the most powerful ways to help children adjust is to offer a predictable routine. Neuman stresses that children cope better when they know what to expect. Share as much as you can about upcoming changes, and create a visual calendar if it helps younger kids.
6. Follow Up and Keep the Conversation Going
One conversation isn’t enough. Check in regularly to ask how your children are feeling and if they have new questions. Normalize talking about emotions. Robyn Goble often reminds us that kids don’t need us to have all the answers—they need us to be present, calm, and emotionally available.
A Final Word of Compassion
It’s important to note that this is a broad-brush approach. Every child and family is unique, and considerations such as special needs, neurodivergence, cultural values, and individual temperaments must be factored into any final approach. Tailoring the conversation to your child’s specific needs is key to fostering emotional safety and understanding.
Divorce is hard. Period. But with a thoughtful, trauma-informed approach, you can guide your children through this transition with love and resilience. Taking the time to handle the first conversation with care can make all the difference. If you need personal assistance with this process, do not hesitate to schedule an appointment with me. Remember, this is a process, not a one-time event. As you move forward, you’re building the foundation for a new, healthy family dynamic—one loving, honest conversation at a time.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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