Obviously not all teenagers feel the same way about anything really. They're not a monolith, It’s unfair to think that each individual teen feels exactly like another teen regardless of socioeconomics or culture or religion or region. However, many teens have expressed similar feelings and wishes about how they feel about physical distancing and the loneliness and aimlessness that comes with it.
“But Alexa, that’s ridiculous! How can they be lonely when we are all stuck at home together ALL THE TIME” you may ask. Well, my wise parent friends, you know very well that there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. Sometimes the loneliest place on Earth is in a room full of people who you feel don't really understand you. Every teen feels that their parents don’t understand them, just ask DJ Jazzy Jeff &The Fresh Prince. My teens remind me daily that I don't understand what they are going through, and I agree. There is no way I could understand what it's like to be a teen right here and now in lockdown. I mean, sure 30 years ago I was grounded from friends at times, but it's not the same as the quarantine like measures that we responsible, compassionate Americans are all experiencing.
Many of you awesome exhausted parents are doing all the things. Movies, snacks, pillow forts, extreme screen time, fun car trip scavenger hunts, drive-by birthday parties, sidewalk chalk masterpieces, 1200 piece jigsaw puzzles, zoom parties, all the Netflix binges, and anything else your creative social media friends share. I bow to you. You are amazing, and your teen may well still feel lonely. A huge part of that is that they miss their friends. Not like you or I miss our friends. No, it's deeper yet more precarious and that is super scary. Teens often feel like their friends are more like a second family. Can you imagine being away from part of your immediate family right now? It would likely feel like torture. And you're an adult with coping skills!
During the teen years, our kiddos are extremely aware of their need for acceptance and a feeling of belonging with their friends. That is a developmentally appropriate part of growing up. Separation from peers, not just friends, can trigger anxiety for them in different ways than how it might in adults. Some of these kids have real FOMO and some parents are not holding to as strict of standards (and the teens are posting pics of their get-togethers) as others which causes real feelings of envy and even jealousy, both real fear-based responses. Another developmentally appropriate task during this phase of development is figuring out who they are apart from parents and grow their own autonomy. It's biological, they're meant to do that. It's super difficult to individuate with your parents watching and correcting and directing all the time.
So, how can we do better as adults who are caring for teens in our homes? Be the best most empathetic listener you have ever been in your whole entire life. Show as much empathy as you can as often as you can. Their grief over losing rites of passage and awards after years of hard work is real. Validate their grief, don't dismiss it.
Relax the schedules, man. This is the biggest and top complaint I hear from teen clients. When we all first were sent home, every Etsy mom and child expert said: “keep a schedule” and shared fantastic color-coded details that could have whipped my whole family into shape if a single one of us bought into it. I’m not disputing that a schedule is regulating and helpful, they can be and often are. However, schedules need collaboration and buy-in if they are going to work. Most teens can build their own time table to accomplish meeting their e-learning needs. It may not suit your needs, but if it works for them, let them try it their way. If it doesn't work, help them make adjustments to succeed. If you force bedtimes and schedules right now when there is no rational reason to wake up at the sickeningly early time for school, they will mutiny. You can provide structure, but work with their personal and individual motivations to make a schedule that meets everyone’s needs.
Relax your expectations. At the beginning of this stay at home order, I used my knowledge of teen brain development and science to announce to my 14-year old that I would allow him to stay up later during the week than before, but I wanted him to go to bed by 11:00. My guy looked at me in the eye and said: “you're just doing that so you feel like a good parent”. After I was shocked and offended about the accusation, I espoused all my wisdom from sleep scientists and pediatric recommendations and sleep study results. He was bored and unconvinced. So I listened to his side. He was surprisingly convincing and knew how to use data right back at me. We agreed to collaborate on a bedtime that helped me feel like I was parenting a little bit and helped him feel like he had some autonomy. For the last three weeks, all the agreed-upon expectations have been met. Try it with the needs of your individual child in mind. By the teen years, they can usually sense what they need.
We use the same strategy to set expectations for screen time and playtime and outside time and housework time. They buy-in because they have a say. Usually, I restrict screen time quite a bit, but now that is one of the only ways my boys have socialization with their peers. My boys don't do group video meetings as much as the girls. And like I have said, these kids feel lonely, so I will do what I can to foster connections with their friends in the ways they feel good about. Obviously keep an eye on the privacy settings on their accounts so dangerous people can’t access them.
As for academic expectations, that’s a touchy one. Some kids are super worried about their grades and AP exams. Some kids are very worried that graduation will be canceled rather than postponed. Some seniors are worried that fall college classes won't even happen. Some kids decided that e-learning is not for them and will find all the excuses not to do their personal best. We simply do not have the answers. Kids who are not visual learners are struggling and feel like all of their work during the year was in vain. So many kids feel like they do no know what their purpose is right now without their academics or clubs or lessons or sports teams. This is where listening and empathy comes in. This is where comfort and connection come in. You can't fix this one, but you can mitigate its effects. This is when you practice mindfulness and deep breathing and really being together and “joining” on their level with their interests.
Hopefully, we will never have an opportunity like this again. But here and now, let’s make the most out this unique opportunity to stay connected and really listen to our teens. They have a lot they want us to know. All we have to do is shut up and listen.
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